New Years

We are invited to join my best friend out for New Years. I don't want to go. I love my friend. She even bought me a new dress to wear. But! I am trying to not drink. Trying to stay away from smoking. I have been good about not smoking for a year. I have had 3 drinks in the last 6 months. I dont want to go! I don't want to go! I don't want to go!
Social anxiety, trying to control cravings, its all too much. Paying a cover charge to go dance to music I hate? I don't think I should go.
How the hell do I get out of this?

Thankful

Yesterday was a record! It took me 6 hours to drive the 15 miles home from work. From NE (not that far out) to SW yes, it took me 6 hours to get home. Can you believe it? I am sure mine wasn't even the most spectacular drive of the day. I am sure there were people who had it much worse.

The surprise snowfall was what did it. All of Portland shut down, but not before everyone was home. No it shut down before rush hour but people kept jumping in their cars to try and make it--well, somewhere!

I made it home safe. Took me 3 hours to get across the Willamette and another 3 hours to get the rest of the way home. Wow.

Blogging is scary

I don't know why but when a random (male) person from all the way across the continent comments on your blog about depression with "Git r done!" its scary. Really scary. So i have made my blog so private no one can read it. What is the point of having a blog you may ask? I am thinking the very same thing at this moment. I have several stalkers from a past life who will NOT leave me alone. As soon as I think they have forgotten me I get another text message. Ick.
Creepy.

I'm old. I am married. I am getting soft in the middle. I am a grandmother of 2 and another on the way. I AM NOT INTERESTED!

Accomplishments and depression

Procrastination is unhealthy. I have learned this the hard way, over and over. We all know its true, so why do I still procrastinate sometimes? Because procrastination is the hallmark of depression. Procrastination is both a symptom and cause of depression. It perpetuates the downward spiral that begins when you are down, and lethargic and sad. You begin to feel guilty about the friends you have avoided, the stuff you've left undone. You become more paralyzed, more guilt ridden, more likely to go to bed and pull the covers over your head. You would kill yourself but you don't have the strength or the energy.

That was me 2 days ago. Thursday night I went to bed and slept 13 hours straight. When I got up I forced myself to tackle the undone. I began with the most dreaded easiest chore to accomplish. Straightening up one's bedroom seems like a job a teenager might put off, but not a grownup. I was overwhelmed with all the Nana duties, and kept piling up clean clothes in my bedroom. I was constantly searching for what to wear and having to iron stuff because it was laying under other stuff, wrinkling. Finally I got it all folded and put away. The bed made. The baby items cleared (I found a binky under our bed-for some reason the baby likes to take naps on our bed). This one simple activity, cleaning this room, became a symbol a beacon that I could pull myself up and out of the hole I had been in. After I got that done I was energized. My bedroom was the inviting oasis of calm it needed to be for relaxing and sleeping.
My husband was grateful.

Now I can breathe I thought. So I got on with the grandson's Christmas present-sweater. And guess what? After I bound off the front and held up the front and the back I discovered the stupid pattern had an error I didn't notice. Most people I know have roughly symmetrical shoulders. Most patterns work best if the right shoulder is the same width as the left. So if you have a total of 53 stitches and you knit the first 17 stitches, and then bind off 9, you will be left with 27 stitches to knit. Meaning that the shoulder with 27 stitches is about 1/3 wider than the other side! I think the pattern instructions should have read knit 17, bind of 19, knit 17.
I now have to do some major frogging. It won't get to him in time for Christmas but it is going to be rather big for him, so if he gets it as a New Year present it will still fit him, even though I am sure Hayden is growing like a weed.

I can't stress about that anymore. What else did I accomplish? I was going to make lace bookmarks for all my work friends, and a knitted bead bracelet for my best friend, and socks for my husband and son. I am making a sweater for my daughter. But (according to PeeWee Herman, everyone always has a big but!) due to circumstances beyond my control , fingering weight yarn and fine-gauge needles are just not in the budget right now. Nor sock yarn, nor beads. So...what to do?
Improvise. I made bookmarks from paper and yarn I already had. Paper bookmarks with yarn tassels. An experimental fabric ribbon bookmark. And one braided yarn bookmark with a bead.
I feel great about completing them. They are whimisical. Simple. Some would read them as "cheap". But it's the thought that counts, right? All of us in my little work group read, and everyone can use a bookmark. When I worked at the library we had a collection of bookmarks in the "Popular Library" staff office, which was eclectic and grand. I am starting a collection of my own. They are useful and affordable gifts. And every little letter, every little drop of glue, every little selection of paper, all the tassel making, all was done with great affection. I feel great. Now all I need to do is make the Christmas cards to enclose them in. That's today's crafty project.
The other thing I accomplished yesterday was to knit a sample of lace for the bookmarks I was intending to make. I just used a scrap of Caron Simply Soft from my leftover stash box. The lace pattern turned out great. I had tried lace earlier in the year and kept messing it up. But this time it turned out nice. So I am going to work on a lace wrap for myself and the bookmarks for next Christmas. I think I can master some simple laces in 2010. That's a new goal.
So see, procrastination is the enemy. Getting anything done is your friend. Any tiny task that you can accomplish can help get you on your feet again. If nothing else, call your doctor.
Don't wait.

Christmas Blues

Why is it that the only Christmas song I can think of is Blue Christmas by Elvis. That song is going round and round in my head. I am trying to stifle tears. I am trying to remember all the reasons to rejoice but depression doesn't work that way. I need solitude to create but not this much solitude. Next year for sure if the kids aren't here with the grandkids for Christmas I swear my husband and I will go somewhere else.

I miss my mom and my dad long since departed from this eartly plane. I miss my grandmother. I miss my brothers. I miss my extended family now scattered all across the country doing their own thing.
Mostly I miss my own kids.I miss the happy times we had when the kids were still home, with our own little traditions. My daughter and I singing in the choir at midnight mass. My son poking at the presents under the tree. Everyone having 1 little present on Christmas Eve and you have to wait for morning for the rest.The big Santa presents. The stockings. The pictures, the noise. picking up the wrapping paper when its all over. Making breakfast and then starting on the turkey. We won't have any of that this year, as my daughter and her husband, and my precious granddaughter are having Christmas with Daddy's family. My son is having Christmas with his girlfriend's family.

So my hubby and I are going to be thankful we have each other and that we have enough. Not alot but enough. Solace in one another's arms, nothing more. No decorations, no cookies, no turkey, no work, no Christmas movies, no candy.

Lots of time to sit by the fire and drink tea, or maybe do a jigsaw puzzle together, or play cards- rummy, cribbage, I don't know. Watch comedies. But not A Christmas Story.

At last a charity that benefits people all over the US. One project drive for each state. See the blogs I'm following for Sharing Our Gifts, which is a Ravelry group as well. I will be starting on the man's hat right now. I am so excited!

Friday Routine

Fridays are my Saturdays. I am really lucky because I get 2 Saturdays every week, since I work 4 10-hr shifts and I have dream days off, Fri/Sat/Sun. My Friday routine has become very precious and enjoyable.
First I get up and hit my morning pages with my first cup of joe, dumping crap on the page so I can think and see clearly.
Then I get dressed in workout crap and do my down and dirty workout, just simple stretches, a few weights and a brisk walk on the treadmill with my latest mystery parked on the treadmill.
I would knit while walking on the treadmill but I don't think I am ready for that yet.
Then I hit the shower, slap on my war paint, throw on something comfy, start some laundry and go to the library. I browse through all the knitting books, maybe grab a few. Then I get my reserves and get the heck out of there.
Then I drive to Michaels. I stand in the yarn aisle for about 2 hours agonizing over everything. Then I make my choice or not and go back home with new stuff or not.
Then I park in front of the TV to watch the Yankees if they are on and knit like a fiend. This is my Friday routine. Time is awastin' so I'd best get to it.

Instead of wallowing in self pity

Today I could easily sit around and feel sorry for myself, for no reason. I have been sliding down in my depression again, and I don't really know why. The change in the weather (although today it will be warmer, summery again). It could be that summer is almost over, everyone talking about back-to-school, and I am outwardly relieved that I don't have to shell out hundreds of dollars for supplies, fees, pictures, books, backpacks, calculator, sports equipment and uniforms, cleats, yadda yadda yaddda. Inside I am missing the good old days when I had kids at home, hearding them in from playing to eat dinner, to get bathed, settled down for bedtime, get ready for school. Just missing them, their presence, their love, their anger, rebellions and need at the same time, funny talks, serious talks, borrowing money, the keys to the car, forgetting to call when they were late, their friends coming over, using up the last of the milk, eating an entire carton of ice cream at a sitting, complaining about chores... Still though, I do miss having my kids at home. No lie. Briefly.

Nostalgia. That's what is making me a little sad. Now I have grown children- my son lives close and comes to see us fairly often. My daughter lives far away and is married and has a baby. I miss her and the baby terribly and can hardly wait till the day she comes back to Portland with her new little family.

I miss my own youth. I always get nostalgic around this time of year and it lasts on into the winter past the holidays. I miss my parents now long departed, and I miss family get togethers, back when our family was still big and close. I miss my brothers, separated from me by distance and generations, somehow the disparity in our ages being remagnified in our "golden" years. Now I am missing not only my youth but my middle age. I am nearly an official senior! Where did my time go?

After the holidays I find the immeasurable days of winter weather gloomy, endless, harrowing.
You know-when you have the 4th month in a row of gray, cold, cloudy rainy days and you feel like you are being crushed by coats and sweaters and Gortex and the rain clouds press on your head like a collapsing roof.

So how to lift myself out of the doldrums- what can be my antidote to temporary backsliding?

Sunshine
Exercise
Mindfulness
Gratitude
Counting my blessings
Love

Baby blankie is in time-out

I am sad, feeling overwhelmed by this project. It fights me, or I fight myself. I just kept making too many mistakes. I seriously looked at it last night, and decided I don't want to play this game anymore.

So instead of admitting defeat, I have a concrete plan.

A wonderful friend from work, Marlene, gave me some yarn yesterday that would also make a good baby blankie, in the exact colors of cotton candy, so...I will use the original pink yarn and the new gifted yarn to make individual 12 inch squares, by stitching the solid pink squares with decorative stitches and leaving the multicolored yarn squares "plain". And then seam everything together with some type of crochet, which I am just learning. Probably setting myself up for a disappointment again, but oh well

Finished 2 items this weekend

I finished the long awaited garter stitch pullover sweater and I crocheted a little coaster for my desk.Pretty darn pleased with myself, I must say. Its been a productive weekend all the way around. I finished one complete pattern set in the heart baby blanket too, and I think I finally understand the pattern directions to shape the armholes and neckline of my simple shell that I am knitting.

So many choices so little time

Are choices the theme of my blog today?
I have a choice here to decide to look at it from the glass half full perspective, or not.
I do have the choice to play with my art supplies, knit, try to crochet, clean the house, take a nap, go for a walk, go to the library, come home and make cookies or watch movies on demand all day.
I cannot choose to make tapioca pudding (we are out of milk), or spend any money (we are out of money), rent a movie (see number 2) or go to the movies (see # 2)
or what I really want to do, see my darling granddaughter (she is 2400 miles away). So should I focus on what I can't have or should I focus on what I can have?

Pic of Trin from last week

Morning Pages

For those of you familiar with Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way, you will know what I mean when I say that I am unable to do my morning pages. At least not in long-hand on 3 sheets of paper for 30 minutes. Today my hands hurt from knitting, and writing with a pen doesn't sound feasible, not to mention my writer's block. But I don't have blogger's block, although, technically I don't really have anything to say.
I have been thinking a great deal about the nature of forgiveness. I haven't come up with any earthshaking ideas, I am just considering different aspects of forgiveness and why its okay to forgive.
It takes energy to hold onto something. Holding onto a grudge, an anger, a suspicion, nursing negative thoughts, all require a great deal of energy. I don't have enough energy to be angry. Its better for me to forgive. It may not even be beneficial to the person I have a quarrel with, but I feel better to let go of the negative emotion of anger and resentment and I have thus freed energy I can utilize for more enjoyable pursuits.
When I am angry with someone, the anger sits at the bottom of my esophagus and is manifested in my ulcer. I can actually see it there, burning a little hole in my innards and in my heart. Depression is truly anger turned inward. How much healthier then, to let go of the anger, forgive, and try to forget-truly let go of the hurt.
I am attempting to train my mind to be more loving and compassionate. I have energy to learn new things and I certainly can learn positive new things. Positive energy somehow creates more energy. Or perhaps "channels more energy" is a better way of putting it. I have always been loving but now I am learning to love even those who seem least loveable.
I may seem to have abandoned some friends in the pursuit of new knowledge, but I have not stopped loving them. I have to allow myself to be open to new experiences and give myself time and the solitude to work on training my mind to tap into the creative energies of the universe and focus my mind on the present. I haven't abandoned you, Tina, I simply have to focus more.

Back from camping

So, we had an exhausting weekend. I maybe got in about 15 or 20 rows of knittig in the car driving first to the coast on Friday and then east to Crater Lake on Saturday. Tonight I am going to try re-frogging my knitting on my baby blanket.

Going camping

Off to the Oregon coast to go camping tonight after work. My hubby and I are hoping that we can find a tent site at any one of the many campgrounds along the coast. Between the Oregon State Parks, the US Forest Service and the smaller county parks, hopefully we can find one little rustic tent spot. I am keeping my fingers crossed, of course.

I so love the beach. I haven't been in a few years. I always sleep better at the beach, even if I am indoors, the middle of winter with the windows closed and a storm raging outside. There are no sunsets more breathtaking, no air more fresh, no wind more exhilerating, galleries more entertaining, sea food fresher, taffy more delicious, than at the Oregon coast.

Before you ask, of course I am taking my knitting (along with a mystery novel, sketch pad & colored pencils, camera and hiking shoes). But instead of any of that, I will most probably be walking along the waterline hour after hour, staring intently at the sand in front of me, searching for shells, agates, beach glass and other interesting objects. I don't swim in the Pacific Ocean, it's too powerful, too terrifying and it's just too cold! I might wade for about 3 minutes until my feet turn purple then white and go numb. A new worry too is the series of shark sightings and landings (oh my) up and down the coast in the last week. So no wading any farther than 2 inches. :)

I will knit, hopefully in that quiet hour when my hubby decides to run to the nearest outlet for:(pick one) ice, firewood, half and half, a can opener or whatever the emergency is this time. I will take a knitting project that is small and machine washable (to get the sand out when we get home).
I hope to have time to record in my journal and sit at the edge of the dune overlooking the shore and sketch the scene: water, the wheeling sea birds, the beachcombers and other denizens of the sand. Even if it were to rain, I will still have a marvelous time.

Micro-fleece and Gortex are de rigueur for Oregonians, especially at the beach. It can be 75 and sunny at one moment and change to 45 and raining in the next. But nothing can compare to the almost daily sunbreak the central Oregon coast seems to enjoy every day around sunset. So wool socks in the one hand, and sunglasses and sunblock in the other, we are off soon!

At work!

I shouldn't be writing this right now, but I needed a little break from the usual.

Family

My son has been hanging out with us this weekend. He and I had a wonderful visit all afternoon just the two of us, talking about everything from relationships to both our work aspirations. I truly appreciate having grown children that I can talk with on an equal basis. My son is very funny, witty, almost crazy. He has talents for imitations and funny voices and accents. He is very smart and kind. My DH, son and I all played pinochle and hung out last night, so no knitting progress. This was way more fun though.

Now the "boys" are gone of to do guy stuff, clearing the way for me to make art and then get back to knitting.

Progress on the Heart Blanket

Wow, after frogging countless times, I finally have one complete pattern set. In other words a section of hearts across. I can see the hearts! They are not perfect, nay. But they can be discerned easily. Of course since this is a bottom-up pattern, the "bad" section will be at the bottom. I am hoping that my tendency toward mistakes will erode with practice and that I should start being able to do this siimple pattern without mucking it up. I am pleased!

One more note then I must knit

I love days off. I have 3 of them EVERY WEEK! Aren't I lucky? I work four 10-hr shifts and then I can play for 3 days in a row. Sometimes I have to do housework and cook. If I make lots of treats and go camping with my DH every couple of weeks he usually does all the housework though, because he is retired already. I'm green with envy. The baby in the picture is my 2nd grandchild, little Trinity and this pic was taken about 3 months ago. Isn't she precious? Of course, I am not biased at all. No, I'm completely objective. Anyway this is kinda fun.

New to all this!

Well, time for me to get brave and actually start my own blogging. I need a place where I can (safely) expound on being a grandmother, being late-middle aged, being a new knitter, and being socially awkward. Wow, I have so much to learn and so little time.
First of all there is the pesky job. I am glad I have it, I thank the fates/gods/4 winds that I have been blessed with a decent job and adequate food, shelter and health insurance. Its just that jobs can become boring, time-consuming, stressful, soul-sucking, and generally icky.
That said, my job is how I sustain my life. I don't live to go to my job! There is a promotional position that will opening in the next 2 months. I have applied for this position once before and was rejected. I am not sure whether I want to invest the time, energy and stress required to go through the recruitment process again. Just completing the application is painful. I am totally on the fence. Its about 50% more work for 5% more money. Just can't decide if its worth it.

Lately I am deriving a great deal of satisfaction from camping, viewing recent pictures of my angelic grand daughter, knitting, reading, sewing, and making art. It may not be good art but it's art, and it's mine. In fact all of my pathetic attempts at creativity may someday be on display in the Museum of Bad Art. At least I would have achieved my goal at getting "hung" or displayed in some gallery somewhere.