We are invited to join my best friend out for New Years. I don't want to go. I love my friend. She even bought me a new dress to wear. But! I am trying to not drink. Trying to stay away from smoking. I have been good about not smoking for a year. I have had 3 drinks in the last 6 months. I dont want to go! I don't want to go! I don't want to go!
Social anxiety, trying to control cravings, its all too much. Paying a cover charge to go dance to music I hate? I don't think I should go.
How the hell do I get out of this?
Sculpting life out of fiber, one stitch at a time.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Thankful
Yesterday was a record! It took me 6 hours to drive the 15 miles home from work. From NE (not that far out) to SW yes, it took me 6 hours to get home. Can you believe it? I am sure mine wasn't even the most spectacular drive of the day. I am sure there were people who had it much worse.
The surprise snowfall was what did it. All of Portland shut down, but not before everyone was home. No it shut down before rush hour but people kept jumping in their cars to try and make it--well, somewhere!
I made it home safe. Took me 3 hours to get across the Willamette and another 3 hours to get the rest of the way home. Wow.
The surprise snowfall was what did it. All of Portland shut down, but not before everyone was home. No it shut down before rush hour but people kept jumping in their cars to try and make it--well, somewhere!
I made it home safe. Took me 3 hours to get across the Willamette and another 3 hours to get the rest of the way home. Wow.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Blogging is scary
I don't know why but when a random (male) person from all the way across the continent comments on your blog about depression with "Git r done!" its scary. Really scary. So i have made my blog so private no one can read it. What is the point of having a blog you may ask? I am thinking the very same thing at this moment. I have several stalkers from a past life who will NOT leave me alone. As soon as I think they have forgotten me I get another text message. Ick.
Creepy.
I'm old. I am married. I am getting soft in the middle. I am a grandmother of 2 and another on the way. I AM NOT INTERESTED!
Creepy.
I'm old. I am married. I am getting soft in the middle. I am a grandmother of 2 and another on the way. I AM NOT INTERESTED!
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Accomplishments and depression
Procrastination is unhealthy. I have learned this the hard way, over and over. We all know its true, so why do I still procrastinate sometimes? Because procrastination is the hallmark of depression. Procrastination is both a symptom and cause of depression. It perpetuates the downward spiral that begins when you are down, and lethargic and sad. You begin to feel guilty about the friends you have avoided, the stuff you've left undone. You become more paralyzed, more guilt ridden, more likely to go to bed and pull the covers over your head. You would kill yourself but you don't have the strength or the energy.
That was me 2 days ago. Thursday night I went to bed and slept 13 hours straight. When I got up I forced myself to tackle the undone. I began with the most dreaded easiest chore to accomplish. Straightening up one's bedroom seems like a job a teenager might put off, but not a grownup. I was overwhelmed with all the Nana duties, and kept piling up clean clothes in my bedroom. I was constantly searching for what to wear and having to iron stuff because it was laying under other stuff, wrinkling. Finally I got it all folded and put away. The bed made. The baby items cleared (I found a binky under our bed-for some reason the baby likes to take naps on our bed). This one simple activity, cleaning this room, became a symbol a beacon that I could pull myself up and out of the hole I had been in. After I got that done I was energized. My bedroom was the inviting oasis of calm it needed to be for relaxing and sleeping.
My husband was grateful.
Now I can breathe I thought. So I got on with the grandson's Christmas present-sweater. And guess what? After I bound off the front and held up the front and the back I discovered the stupid pattern had an error I didn't notice. Most people I know have roughly symmetrical shoulders. Most patterns work best if the right shoulder is the same width as the left. So if you have a total of 53 stitches and you knit the first 17 stitches, and then bind off 9, you will be left with 27 stitches to knit. Meaning that the shoulder with 27 stitches is about 1/3 wider than the other side! I think the pattern instructions should have read knit 17, bind of 19, knit 17.
I now have to do some major frogging. It won't get to him in time for Christmas but it is going to be rather big for him, so if he gets it as a New Year present it will still fit him, even though I am sure Hayden is growing like a weed.
I can't stress about that anymore. What else did I accomplish? I was going to make lace bookmarks for all my work friends, and a knitted bead bracelet for my best friend, and socks for my husband and son. I am making a sweater for my daughter. But (according to PeeWee Herman, everyone always has a big but!) due to circumstances beyond my control , fingering weight yarn and fine-gauge needles are just not in the budget right now. Nor sock yarn, nor beads. So...what to do?
Improvise. I made bookmarks from paper and yarn I already had. Paper bookmarks with yarn tassels. An experimental fabric ribbon bookmark. And one braided yarn bookmark with a bead.
I feel great about completing them. They are whimisical. Simple. Some would read them as "cheap". But it's the thought that counts, right? All of us in my little work group read, and everyone can use a bookmark. When I worked at the library we had a collection of bookmarks in the "Popular Library" staff office, which was eclectic and grand. I am starting a collection of my own. They are useful and affordable gifts. And every little letter, every little drop of glue, every little selection of paper, all the tassel making, all was done with great affection. I feel great. Now all I need to do is make the Christmas cards to enclose them in. That's today's crafty project.
The other thing I accomplished yesterday was to knit a sample of lace for the bookmarks I was intending to make. I just used a scrap of Caron Simply Soft from my leftover stash box. The lace pattern turned out great. I had tried lace earlier in the year and kept messing it up. But this time it turned out nice. So I am going to work on a lace wrap for myself and the bookmarks for next Christmas. I think I can master some simple laces in 2010. That's a new goal.
So see, procrastination is the enemy. Getting anything done is your friend. Any tiny task that you can accomplish can help get you on your feet again. If nothing else, call your doctor.
Don't wait.
That was me 2 days ago. Thursday night I went to bed and slept 13 hours straight. When I got up I forced myself to tackle the undone. I began with the most dreaded easiest chore to accomplish. Straightening up one's bedroom seems like a job a teenager might put off, but not a grownup. I was overwhelmed with all the Nana duties, and kept piling up clean clothes in my bedroom. I was constantly searching for what to wear and having to iron stuff because it was laying under other stuff, wrinkling. Finally I got it all folded and put away. The bed made. The baby items cleared (I found a binky under our bed-for some reason the baby likes to take naps on our bed). This one simple activity, cleaning this room, became a symbol a beacon that I could pull myself up and out of the hole I had been in. After I got that done I was energized. My bedroom was the inviting oasis of calm it needed to be for relaxing and sleeping.
My husband was grateful.
Now I can breathe I thought. So I got on with the grandson's Christmas present-sweater. And guess what? After I bound off the front and held up the front and the back I discovered the stupid pattern had an error I didn't notice. Most people I know have roughly symmetrical shoulders. Most patterns work best if the right shoulder is the same width as the left. So if you have a total of 53 stitches and you knit the first 17 stitches, and then bind off 9, you will be left with 27 stitches to knit. Meaning that the shoulder with 27 stitches is about 1/3 wider than the other side! I think the pattern instructions should have read knit 17, bind of 19, knit 17.
I now have to do some major frogging. It won't get to him in time for Christmas but it is going to be rather big for him, so if he gets it as a New Year present it will still fit him, even though I am sure Hayden is growing like a weed.
I can't stress about that anymore. What else did I accomplish? I was going to make lace bookmarks for all my work friends, and a knitted bead bracelet for my best friend, and socks for my husband and son. I am making a sweater for my daughter. But (according to PeeWee Herman, everyone always has a big but!) due to circumstances beyond my control , fingering weight yarn and fine-gauge needles are just not in the budget right now. Nor sock yarn, nor beads. So...what to do?
Improvise. I made bookmarks from paper and yarn I already had. Paper bookmarks with yarn tassels. An experimental fabric ribbon bookmark. And one braided yarn bookmark with a bead.
I feel great about completing them. They are whimisical. Simple. Some would read them as "cheap". But it's the thought that counts, right? All of us in my little work group read, and everyone can use a bookmark. When I worked at the library we had a collection of bookmarks in the "Popular Library" staff office, which was eclectic and grand. I am starting a collection of my own. They are useful and affordable gifts. And every little letter, every little drop of glue, every little selection of paper, all the tassel making, all was done with great affection. I feel great. Now all I need to do is make the Christmas cards to enclose them in. That's today's crafty project.
The other thing I accomplished yesterday was to knit a sample of lace for the bookmarks I was intending to make. I just used a scrap of Caron Simply Soft from my leftover stash box. The lace pattern turned out great. I had tried lace earlier in the year and kept messing it up. But this time it turned out nice. So I am going to work on a lace wrap for myself and the bookmarks for next Christmas. I think I can master some simple laces in 2010. That's a new goal.
So see, procrastination is the enemy. Getting anything done is your friend. Any tiny task that you can accomplish can help get you on your feet again. If nothing else, call your doctor.
Don't wait.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Christmas Blues
Why is it that the only Christmas song I can think of is Blue Christmas by Elvis. That song is going round and round in my head. I am trying to stifle tears. I am trying to remember all the reasons to rejoice but depression doesn't work that way. I need solitude to create but not this much solitude. Next year for sure if the kids aren't here with the grandkids for Christmas I swear my husband and I will go somewhere else.
I miss my mom and my dad long since departed from this eartly plane. I miss my grandmother. I miss my brothers. I miss my extended family now scattered all across the country doing their own thing.
Mostly I miss my own kids.I miss the happy times we had when the kids were still home, with our own little traditions. My daughter and I singing in the choir at midnight mass. My son poking at the presents under the tree. Everyone having 1 little present on Christmas Eve and you have to wait for morning for the rest.The big Santa presents. The stockings. The pictures, the noise. picking up the wrapping paper when its all over. Making breakfast and then starting on the turkey. We won't have any of that this year, as my daughter and her husband, and my precious granddaughter are having Christmas with Daddy's family. My son is having Christmas with his girlfriend's family.
So my hubby and I are going to be thankful we have each other and that we have enough. Not alot but enough. Solace in one another's arms, nothing more. No decorations, no cookies, no turkey, no work, no Christmas movies, no candy.
Lots of time to sit by the fire and drink tea, or maybe do a jigsaw puzzle together, or play cards- rummy, cribbage, I don't know. Watch comedies. But not A Christmas Story.
I miss my mom and my dad long since departed from this eartly plane. I miss my grandmother. I miss my brothers. I miss my extended family now scattered all across the country doing their own thing.
Mostly I miss my own kids.I miss the happy times we had when the kids were still home, with our own little traditions. My daughter and I singing in the choir at midnight mass. My son poking at the presents under the tree. Everyone having 1 little present on Christmas Eve and you have to wait for morning for the rest.The big Santa presents. The stockings. The pictures, the noise. picking up the wrapping paper when its all over. Making breakfast and then starting on the turkey. We won't have any of that this year, as my daughter and her husband, and my precious granddaughter are having Christmas with Daddy's family. My son is having Christmas with his girlfriend's family.
So my hubby and I are going to be thankful we have each other and that we have enough. Not alot but enough. Solace in one another's arms, nothing more. No decorations, no cookies, no turkey, no work, no Christmas movies, no candy.
Lots of time to sit by the fire and drink tea, or maybe do a jigsaw puzzle together, or play cards- rummy, cribbage, I don't know. Watch comedies. But not A Christmas Story.
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