Instead of wallowing in self pity

Today I could easily sit around and feel sorry for myself, for no reason. I have been sliding down in my depression again, and I don't really know why. The change in the weather (although today it will be warmer, summery again). It could be that summer is almost over, everyone talking about back-to-school, and I am outwardly relieved that I don't have to shell out hundreds of dollars for supplies, fees, pictures, books, backpacks, calculator, sports equipment and uniforms, cleats, yadda yadda yaddda. Inside I am missing the good old days when I had kids at home, hearding them in from playing to eat dinner, to get bathed, settled down for bedtime, get ready for school. Just missing them, their presence, their love, their anger, rebellions and need at the same time, funny talks, serious talks, borrowing money, the keys to the car, forgetting to call when they were late, their friends coming over, using up the last of the milk, eating an entire carton of ice cream at a sitting, complaining about chores... Still though, I do miss having my kids at home. No lie. Briefly.

Nostalgia. That's what is making me a little sad. Now I have grown children- my son lives close and comes to see us fairly often. My daughter lives far away and is married and has a baby. I miss her and the baby terribly and can hardly wait till the day she comes back to Portland with her new little family.

I miss my own youth. I always get nostalgic around this time of year and it lasts on into the winter past the holidays. I miss my parents now long departed, and I miss family get togethers, back when our family was still big and close. I miss my brothers, separated from me by distance and generations, somehow the disparity in our ages being remagnified in our "golden" years. Now I am missing not only my youth but my middle age. I am nearly an official senior! Where did my time go?

After the holidays I find the immeasurable days of winter weather gloomy, endless, harrowing.
You know-when you have the 4th month in a row of gray, cold, cloudy rainy days and you feel like you are being crushed by coats and sweaters and Gortex and the rain clouds press on your head like a collapsing roof.

So how to lift myself out of the doldrums- what can be my antidote to temporary backsliding?

Sunshine
Exercise
Mindfulness
Gratitude
Counting my blessings
Love

Baby blankie is in time-out

I am sad, feeling overwhelmed by this project. It fights me, or I fight myself. I just kept making too many mistakes. I seriously looked at it last night, and decided I don't want to play this game anymore.

So instead of admitting defeat, I have a concrete plan.

A wonderful friend from work, Marlene, gave me some yarn yesterday that would also make a good baby blankie, in the exact colors of cotton candy, so...I will use the original pink yarn and the new gifted yarn to make individual 12 inch squares, by stitching the solid pink squares with decorative stitches and leaving the multicolored yarn squares "plain". And then seam everything together with some type of crochet, which I am just learning. Probably setting myself up for a disappointment again, but oh well

Finished 2 items this weekend

I finished the long awaited garter stitch pullover sweater and I crocheted a little coaster for my desk.Pretty darn pleased with myself, I must say. Its been a productive weekend all the way around. I finished one complete pattern set in the heart baby blanket too, and I think I finally understand the pattern directions to shape the armholes and neckline of my simple shell that I am knitting.

So many choices so little time

Are choices the theme of my blog today?
I have a choice here to decide to look at it from the glass half full perspective, or not.
I do have the choice to play with my art supplies, knit, try to crochet, clean the house, take a nap, go for a walk, go to the library, come home and make cookies or watch movies on demand all day.
I cannot choose to make tapioca pudding (we are out of milk), or spend any money (we are out of money), rent a movie (see number 2) or go to the movies (see # 2)
or what I really want to do, see my darling granddaughter (she is 2400 miles away). So should I focus on what I can't have or should I focus on what I can have?

Pic of Trin from last week

Morning Pages

For those of you familiar with Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way, you will know what I mean when I say that I am unable to do my morning pages. At least not in long-hand on 3 sheets of paper for 30 minutes. Today my hands hurt from knitting, and writing with a pen doesn't sound feasible, not to mention my writer's block. But I don't have blogger's block, although, technically I don't really have anything to say.
I have been thinking a great deal about the nature of forgiveness. I haven't come up with any earthshaking ideas, I am just considering different aspects of forgiveness and why its okay to forgive.
It takes energy to hold onto something. Holding onto a grudge, an anger, a suspicion, nursing negative thoughts, all require a great deal of energy. I don't have enough energy to be angry. Its better for me to forgive. It may not even be beneficial to the person I have a quarrel with, but I feel better to let go of the negative emotion of anger and resentment and I have thus freed energy I can utilize for more enjoyable pursuits.
When I am angry with someone, the anger sits at the bottom of my esophagus and is manifested in my ulcer. I can actually see it there, burning a little hole in my innards and in my heart. Depression is truly anger turned inward. How much healthier then, to let go of the anger, forgive, and try to forget-truly let go of the hurt.
I am attempting to train my mind to be more loving and compassionate. I have energy to learn new things and I certainly can learn positive new things. Positive energy somehow creates more energy. Or perhaps "channels more energy" is a better way of putting it. I have always been loving but now I am learning to love even those who seem least loveable.
I may seem to have abandoned some friends in the pursuit of new knowledge, but I have not stopped loving them. I have to allow myself to be open to new experiences and give myself time and the solitude to work on training my mind to tap into the creative energies of the universe and focus my mind on the present. I haven't abandoned you, Tina, I simply have to focus more.

Back from camping

So, we had an exhausting weekend. I maybe got in about 15 or 20 rows of knittig in the car driving first to the coast on Friday and then east to Crater Lake on Saturday. Tonight I am going to try re-frogging my knitting on my baby blanket.

Going camping

Off to the Oregon coast to go camping tonight after work. My hubby and I are hoping that we can find a tent site at any one of the many campgrounds along the coast. Between the Oregon State Parks, the US Forest Service and the smaller county parks, hopefully we can find one little rustic tent spot. I am keeping my fingers crossed, of course.

I so love the beach. I haven't been in a few years. I always sleep better at the beach, even if I am indoors, the middle of winter with the windows closed and a storm raging outside. There are no sunsets more breathtaking, no air more fresh, no wind more exhilerating, galleries more entertaining, sea food fresher, taffy more delicious, than at the Oregon coast.

Before you ask, of course I am taking my knitting (along with a mystery novel, sketch pad & colored pencils, camera and hiking shoes). But instead of any of that, I will most probably be walking along the waterline hour after hour, staring intently at the sand in front of me, searching for shells, agates, beach glass and other interesting objects. I don't swim in the Pacific Ocean, it's too powerful, too terrifying and it's just too cold! I might wade for about 3 minutes until my feet turn purple then white and go numb. A new worry too is the series of shark sightings and landings (oh my) up and down the coast in the last week. So no wading any farther than 2 inches. :)

I will knit, hopefully in that quiet hour when my hubby decides to run to the nearest outlet for:(pick one) ice, firewood, half and half, a can opener or whatever the emergency is this time. I will take a knitting project that is small and machine washable (to get the sand out when we get home).
I hope to have time to record in my journal and sit at the edge of the dune overlooking the shore and sketch the scene: water, the wheeling sea birds, the beachcombers and other denizens of the sand. Even if it were to rain, I will still have a marvelous time.

Micro-fleece and Gortex are de rigueur for Oregonians, especially at the beach. It can be 75 and sunny at one moment and change to 45 and raining in the next. But nothing can compare to the almost daily sunbreak the central Oregon coast seems to enjoy every day around sunset. So wool socks in the one hand, and sunglasses and sunblock in the other, we are off soon!

At work!

I shouldn't be writing this right now, but I needed a little break from the usual.

Family

My son has been hanging out with us this weekend. He and I had a wonderful visit all afternoon just the two of us, talking about everything from relationships to both our work aspirations. I truly appreciate having grown children that I can talk with on an equal basis. My son is very funny, witty, almost crazy. He has talents for imitations and funny voices and accents. He is very smart and kind. My DH, son and I all played pinochle and hung out last night, so no knitting progress. This was way more fun though.

Now the "boys" are gone of to do guy stuff, clearing the way for me to make art and then get back to knitting.

Progress on the Heart Blanket

Wow, after frogging countless times, I finally have one complete pattern set. In other words a section of hearts across. I can see the hearts! They are not perfect, nay. But they can be discerned easily. Of course since this is a bottom-up pattern, the "bad" section will be at the bottom. I am hoping that my tendency toward mistakes will erode with practice and that I should start being able to do this siimple pattern without mucking it up. I am pleased!

One more note then I must knit

I love days off. I have 3 of them EVERY WEEK! Aren't I lucky? I work four 10-hr shifts and then I can play for 3 days in a row. Sometimes I have to do housework and cook. If I make lots of treats and go camping with my DH every couple of weeks he usually does all the housework though, because he is retired already. I'm green with envy. The baby in the picture is my 2nd grandchild, little Trinity and this pic was taken about 3 months ago. Isn't she precious? Of course, I am not biased at all. No, I'm completely objective. Anyway this is kinda fun.

New to all this!

Well, time for me to get brave and actually start my own blogging. I need a place where I can (safely) expound on being a grandmother, being late-middle aged, being a new knitter, and being socially awkward. Wow, I have so much to learn and so little time.
First of all there is the pesky job. I am glad I have it, I thank the fates/gods/4 winds that I have been blessed with a decent job and adequate food, shelter and health insurance. Its just that jobs can become boring, time-consuming, stressful, soul-sucking, and generally icky.
That said, my job is how I sustain my life. I don't live to go to my job! There is a promotional position that will opening in the next 2 months. I have applied for this position once before and was rejected. I am not sure whether I want to invest the time, energy and stress required to go through the recruitment process again. Just completing the application is painful. I am totally on the fence. Its about 50% more work for 5% more money. Just can't decide if its worth it.

Lately I am deriving a great deal of satisfaction from camping, viewing recent pictures of my angelic grand daughter, knitting, reading, sewing, and making art. It may not be good art but it's art, and it's mine. In fact all of my pathetic attempts at creativity may someday be on display in the Museum of Bad Art. At least I would have achieved my goal at getting "hung" or displayed in some gallery somewhere.