Today I could easily sit around and feel sorry for myself, for no reason. I have been sliding down in my depression again, and I don't really know why. The change in the weather (although today it will be warmer, summery again). It could be that summer is almost over, everyone talking about back-to-school, and I am outwardly relieved that I don't have to shell out hundreds of dollars for supplies, fees, pictures, books, backpacks, calculator, sports equipment and uniforms, cleats, yadda yadda yaddda. Inside I am missing the good old days when I had kids at home, hearding them in from playing to eat dinner, to get bathed, settled down for bedtime, get ready for school. Just missing them, their presence, their love, their anger, rebellions and need at the same time, funny talks, serious talks, borrowing money, the keys to the car, forgetting to call when they were late, their friends coming over, using up the last of the milk, eating an entire carton of ice cream at a sitting, complaining about chores... Still though, I do miss having my kids at home. No lie. Briefly.
Nostalgia. That's what is making me a little sad. Now I have grown children- my son lives close and comes to see us fairly often. My daughter lives far away and is married and has a baby. I miss her and the baby terribly and can hardly wait till the day she comes back to Portland with her new little family.
I miss my own youth. I always get nostalgic around this time of year and it lasts on into the winter past the holidays. I miss my parents now long departed, and I miss family get togethers, back when our family was still big and close. I miss my brothers, separated from me by distance and generations, somehow the disparity in our ages being remagnified in our "golden" years. Now I am missing not only my youth but my middle age. I am nearly an official senior! Where did my time go?
After the holidays I find the immeasurable days of winter weather gloomy, endless, harrowing.
You know-when you have the 4th month in a row of gray, cold, cloudy rainy days and you feel like you are being crushed by coats and sweaters and Gortex and the rain clouds press on your head like a collapsing roof.
So how to lift myself out of the doldrums- what can be my antidote to temporary backsliding?
Sunshine
Exercise
Mindfulness
Gratitude
Counting my blessings
Love
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